How to Be Comfortable in an Intimidating Gym Class Full of Crazy Bitches

Since we’re talking about easy ways for busy women to get healthy, we need to talk about group exercise classes.  Exercise classes are an excellent way to fit strenuous workouts into a cramped schedule.

You get lots of fitness bang for your time buck.  Classes usually last only an hour or so, and you slay a time vampire because one hardcore class can take the place of two less intense workouts on your own.

Since there’s an expert instructor in the room, he or she can show you how to exercise for maximum fitness impact.  This is way more effective than huffing your way through your Jillian Michaels DVD at home wondering if you’re doing it right.

Fantasy Exercise Class

Group exercise classes should be especially awesome for women.  We’re relationship-oriented creatures and natural connectors.  Establishing group bonds comes naturally to us. We thrive when giving and getting support from our fellow females, just as our lady ancestors did for thousands of years.

So theoretically, when we walk into an exercise class, it should be a joyful experience.  We’ll thrive on the powerful energy of a roomful of women doing something positive for our bodies!  We’ll help each other out in the name of sisterhood so each of us gets a challenging workout where we leave feeling energized and strong!  Right?

NO.  That’s not how it goes at all.

Reality Exercise Class

You’re proud to be getting your ass to a Saturday 10am Total Body Conditioning class at your new gym.  You arrive five minutes early, thinking that’s plenty of time.

You find a bunch of stressed-out-looking women with tight ponytails and $75 lululemon sports bras already lined up at the studio door.  Right away you regret wearing your standard gym wear, a pair of Old Navy yoga pants with a growing hole in the crotch and your size XL college t-shirt with the pit stains.

They’re all foaming at the mouth for the 9am class to end.  Once it does, these ladies rush the joint and push each other out of the way to grab weights, mats, steps, whatever.  They look bitchy and insane.

You want to ask someone what equipment you need, but you can’t get anyone’s attention amidst the chaos.  You nearly get your eye scratched out by a blonde clawing her way to the last 8 pound barbell.  You grab what you can and hope for the best, feeling more awkward by the second.

The class starts, and the instructor is terrifying.  He yells about feeling the burn, he singles people out when they stop to take a rest. The rows of well dressed gym bunny soldiers all follow his orders like robots, looking miserable.

Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. You can barely keep up. You’re exhausted after five minutes. You consider leaving, but you’re afraid that the sergeant of sweat leading this hell brigade will yell at you.

You want to curl up and die.  Fuck this, you’re never coming back.

What You Can Do About It

 I feel for you, I really do.  I live in New York, so believe me – I’ve exercised next to the craziest bitches of them all.  I want to share with you the system I’ve used to deal with this uncomfortable situation, because you deserve all the benefits of taking part in group exercise classes.

1) Reframe your insecure thoughts.  Instead of thinking you suck, can you think of yourself as a beginner instead?  There is nothing wrong with being a newbie!  Even the most hard-bodied, perfect-looking girl in your class was not born with weights in her hands.

Give yourself a break, would you?  Allow yourself to be where you are on your health journey without  judgment.  Beating yourself up will distract you from the task at hand, which is taking extra special care of your precious self.

2) Get the instructor on your side.  If you can, talk to the instructor and be completely honest. Saying something like “I’m new here, and really nervous. Anything I should know before we start?” shows them that you’re not lazy, just learning and not necessarily the best target for an ass-kicking.

It’s the instructor’s job to serve you.  It’s your job to tell them how.  You deserve to get your needs met, but you have to make them known.  I know it’s scary to speak your truth, but isn’t it less scary than a militant instructor screaming in your face about your form?

A really helpful habit is to always approach the instructor at the end of the class to say thank you.  He or she wants to feel appreciated, just like the rest of us.  Thanking them for the class reminds both of you that the experience of the students truly matters.

If none of this works and the instructor still makes you feel uncomfortable, talk to your gym management.  They’ll either straighten the instructor out or guide you to a class that is appropriate for your fitness level that isn’t taught by a jackass.

3) Do what you can to tone down the frantic energy of the room. When I go to gym classes, I smile at everyone I catch eyes with.  I genuinely compliment at least one person.  I help people with putting away their equipment.  I tell people “Great job!”.

Do not underestimate how badly these sweaty hotboxes of insecurity need your niceness.  Refuse to get caught up in the bullshit of dirty looks about who has their mat positioned incorrectly and dump a giant helping of sweetness on all their asses.

4) Keep your self talk loving and positive. Please, please, please do not focus on pushing through any kind of pain.  That shit is so negative!  I blame all those weight loss reality shows where people exercise until they vomit.  Now we all pat ourselves on the back when we feel like crap.  Challenging is great, excruciating pain is not.

Ask yourself honestly if it’s healthy resistance you’re feeling or something else.  Have the courage to honor and listen to your body, even with the message “No pain, no gain” blaring in your ears.

Spend an hour of exercise telling yourself how hard and painful it is.  Then spend an hour of the exact same exercise telling yourself how great it feels to use your muscles.  You tell me which leaves you feeling more motivated to get back to the gym.

5) Go at least three times before you decide it isn’t for you.  I’m so sorry, sweetie. I know you want to run home to your safe couch and never go back.  I don’t blame you!

I am all about listening to your intuition. But you can’t even begin to hear your wise voice inside with your insecurity demons running wild like they are on your first day of a new class. You can’t make an informed decision until you’ve calmed yourself down.  You will calm yourself down by going a few more times before abandoning ship.

If Nothing Else, Remember These Key Points

• The more crazed the crazy bitch, the more miserable she is on the inside.  She needs your kindness, not your fear.

•  Take any action you can to drill the idea into your brain that YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE THERE.  I don’t care how out shape you are or how shoddy your gym clothes are.  You paid your monthly membership or you got your damn Groupon just like everyone else.  But most importantly, you are a human being.  You matter. You have value.

Hauling your cookies to the gym when you could be taking part in any number of self-destructive activities is something to be damn proud of, and to soil that with embarrassment is a waste of energy you could be using to kick ass in the class.

Hey, if all else fails, just arrive two minutes late and hide in the back.

I’ll meet you there – I’ll be the one in the huge UMass t-shirt with the yellow armpits.

I am dying to hear your thoughts about scary gym classes full of crazy bitches!  Any ridiculous stories to share?  What tactics have you tried?  Are you a crazy bitch with an expensive sports bra who now wants to murder me?  Lay it all on me in the comments!